i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.