Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening