Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either