My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I forgot how to panic. Help
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.