Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
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Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not