You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.