help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
bout dat hot dog summer
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.