The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…