Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.