It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.