Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.