pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?