Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
You Might Also Like
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
No regrets in 2018
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
This was a bad idea all around
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”