Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
You Might Also Like
5: Is it okay if I don鈥檛 eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it鈥檚 okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don鈥檛 order anything in more than two days
So we got a goldfish…
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they鈥檒l clear out in no time
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Neil Diamond: 馃幎HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS馃幎
CDC: NO
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal