10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
the Monday after daylight savings
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU