We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.