Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
✌️
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA