Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
You Might Also Like
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.