While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
wait.