I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity