Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
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I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy