It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Weighing up my bread heating options
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras