Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Breaking news:
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
These aren’t even hard anymore.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.