No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I can’t wait!
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.