God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Discuss
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs