a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.