Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.