ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
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Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*