My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.