Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
A huge thanks to the person that did this
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.