Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You Might Also Like
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”