“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
A Short Story.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.