Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey