Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
August 8
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt