My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
the world’s most popular steaming services
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.