Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
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OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship