Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.