[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
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ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her