[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I hope they boil the right one.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear