Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here