accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
sistine chapel
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.