if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.