I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Look at this
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane