Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?