As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates