fly smarter, not harder
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[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.