Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches