I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Meat Cute
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider