[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.