At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty